9 Ways To Make Your Wedding Meaningful and Special
ANYTHING GOES
The wonderful thing about weddings today is that virtually anything goes. And the worst thing about weddings today is that.... virtually anything goes!
Wait. What??
Weddings are increasingly becoming major productions. The pressure to do something novel, to entertain and WOW guests is huge. And the result? Sadly, more and more married couples are expressing regret that they lost sight of what was truly important to them.
So how do you get the balance right?
Ironically, as a Stylist you'd think I'd be all for focussing on the appearance of a wedding, but I see my job as helping couples to create weddings that are beautiful inside as well as out. The type of wedding that you can look back on in 10 years time and still feel all the warm fuzzies. And to do that, you have to start by exploring how to make your wedding meaningful and special.
In this Blog, I'll share with you some insights I've learned about how to avoid this mistake and make your wedding meaningful and special. Hopefully you'll find them a useful starting-point for planning your big day.
1. WHAT IS YOUR "WHY"?
When two people make a formal exchange of vows for the sole purpose of uniting as a married couple, something really special, really profound, takes place. A meaningful wedding recognises this profound moment, it honours and celebrates it.
A common regret married couples express is that they got so caught up in details, they lost sight of this.
Mission Statement
So, what makes the exchange of wedding vows important, special and profound to you? Before you get bogged down in the details of your own wedding, it's really important to take time to think about this.
What does getting married mean to you both? Lets face it, today no one NEEDS to get married, so why are the two of you doing it? What are your personal reasons for uniting as a couple?
One helpful exercise is to sit down and write a "Mission Statement" that sums up your love and commitment to each other. This doesn't have to be a novel. It could be a favourite line from a song or poem, an inspirational quote, a funny little expression you both share. For the hubby and I, we talked about our personal definitions of love and came up with "Unconditional Acceptance'. That simple phrase then became the basis for our ceremony and vows.
Purpose
After you've thought about your 'mission statement', ask yourselves: why are you having a wedding? After all, you could just elope. Some common reasons are:
- Documenting one of the most important days in your life
- Sharing one of the most important days of your life with loved ones
- Pleasing parents, family and friends
- Honouring cultural and religious beliefs
- To be the star of the show for a day
- Making your fiancé happy
- Planning a wedding as your first joint venture together
- The opportunity to bring together everyone you care about
- Uniting families and friends
- Having fun
- Sharing the things you love with others (e.g. favourite food, music, etc)
- Announcing yourselves as a couple
- Expressing yourselves as a couple
Your answers to these questions will shape your entire wedding - how it's structured, how it looks, how you allocate your budget, who you invite, what you do.
Your Values
During your wedding planning journey, you will be pushed and pulled in all sorts of directions. There will be times when you disagree with each other and wonder why you're getting married at all. Taking time to think about your shared wedding values will help create a path back to each other in times of conflicting opinions. Use your shared values as the benchmark for making decisions and creating a united front.
Examples may be: to be as eco-friendly as possible; to support local businesses; to give to charity; to blend your families; to give back/say thank you to your loved ones; and so on.
Your 'mission statement', purpose and shared values all make up your "Why". Once you have a clearly defined "why", you will be well on your way to creating a meaningful wedding.
2. CARE ABOUT YOUR CEREMONY
Another common regret married couples have is not recognising how much of a big deal it truly is. As one bride (who rejected traditional vows in favour of an Elvis impersonator who turned their ceremony into a performance) put it:
"I don’t like to be the center of attention, so saying personal vows in front of people was not my jam but not getting to say 'I DO' was a big regret. Care about your ceremony because you only get one!"
Christina
As a couple, it is so important that you make an effort with your wedding ceremony. You do not want to regret not giving enough thought and attention to the words, feeling and intention of your ceremony. As Christina said, you only get ONE chance at it. ONE chance to give this life-changing, profound moment the honour and importance it deserves.
How do you want your ceremony to feel?
A useful starting-point is to decide what feeling or mood you want to surround yourselves (and your guests) with as you say your vows: Deeply Romantic? Intense? Lighthearted? Serious? Joyful? Spiritual? Formal? Relaxed? Straightforward? Full of surprise?
You will find that your answers will flow directly from your thoughts about why you are getting married, and why you are having a wedding in the first place.
What do you want to include in your ceremony?
Once you've thought about the feeling you want to create for your ceremony, then you can start thinking about the structure of your ceremony. Which words, symbols, sounds (music), actions (rituals) would help to create this feeling?
I highly recommend taking some time to research the different types of unity rituals you can include in your ceremony and to include one that feels right for you both. The symbolism and beauty of a unity ritual really helps to add depth and meaning to your ceremony. For example:
Does your birthplace mean a lot to you both? Consider having a sand ceremony, mixing soil from both of your childhood homes. Do you have Celtic roots? Maybe a hand-fasting ceremony would work. Do you love beer? Have a beer mixing ceremony and make your own unity brew. There are many fantastic ideas to be found on the internet. Talking to a Celebrant will also help you come up with the perfect ceremony for you.
In the interests of keeping the ceremony short, couples are tempted to forego readings. This is a shame, as it is an ideal opportunity to add another layer of meaning to your ceremony and to include loved ones - a 'job' that they invariably feel deeply honoured to be given. Instead of reciting a poem or passage, change things up by asking your speakers to write and recite a personal 'blessing'. These are often the most heart-felt, meaningful and memorable moments in the whole wedding.
If you feel self-conscious standing in front of people and are tempted to make your ceremony as short as possible, ask your celebrant to create a ceremony that works for you without sacrificing those parts of the ceremony that make it so meaningful and special. For example, you could share very personal vows privately before your guests arrive. You could participate in a unity ritual just with close family before the main event. Maybe you could arrange to sit to the side of the ceremony space during readings so that you feel less self-conscious and 'in the spotlight'.
3. MAKE YOUR VOWS SPECIAL
If the heart of a wedding ceremony is the public declaration of commitment, the soul of a wedding ceremony is the exchange of vows. For a truly meaningful wedding, I encourage you to write your own.
In your efforts to please everyone, your wedding can start to feel like it no longer belongs to you. Writing your own vows is a way to bring back some intimacy and to focus on the love and commitment that led to your wedding in the first place.
Too often, as couples work through their never-ending planning to-do list, vows are forgotten about and scribbled down at the last minute. Consider making them a higher priority. Don't resort to copying a cookie-cutter vow from the internet! Take your time when writing your vows. Make them your own. Make them authentic.
Maybe you could schedule a romantic weekend away to focus on writing them? Or maybe have a date-night where you brainstorm ideas for your vows?
If you're struggling, reach out for help from your Celebrant. Try writing a love letter about your fiancé and then give the letter to your Celebrant. They can use it to shape vows for you. Or, if writing isn't your thing, tell your love story to your Celebrant and let them write.
4. GENTLY SET ASIDE 'TRADITION FOR TRADITION'S SAKE'
If there is one area where you will find the most confusing advice regarding wedding planning, it is this. On one hand, there is all the advice telling you what you should do for your wedding and what is traditionally done. On the other, there is all the advice telling you to throw those 'shoulds' to the wind, to have your wedding your way.
Don't have a circus
Most couples don't want to slavishly follow all the old wedding traditions and customs that their parents and their parent's parents observed. They want a wedding that feels personal unique and authentic to them. And that is absolutely fair enough.
However, too often couples who totally disregard tradition (and along with it, their background and the wishes of loved ones) in pursuit of novelty express regret. They talk about how their weddings ended up feeling shallow, like a 'performance' or a show. One bride described her ceremony as "a circus".
The key is to GENTLY set aside tradition-for-tradition's sake, and be open to including those parts of tradition that are meaningful to you. The result will be a balance of tradition and personalisation that feels 'right' and makes both you and your loved ones feel good. Don't underestimate the 'feel good factor', it will be one of the most enduring memories of your day.
Do some research
Take time to explore ways to add references to your family history and culture. Ava Laboy Capo has written a book "Wedding Traditions from Around the World" (find it on Google Books) which is an interesting starting-point. Another useful book is Jeltje Gordon-Lennox's "Crafting Meaningful Wedding Rituals" (also on Google Books).
Let your family and friends talk to you about their ideas and experiences. You do not have to commit to all of their suggestions, but it would mean a great deal to them (and, in the long run, to you) to find ways to include some. When I got remarried, I personally regret not walking down the aisle with my Mum and Dad. The idea of being 'given away' seemed ridiculous, so I dismissed the idea outright. But actually, I could have reframed the act not as "being given away" but as my parents supporting me as I started out on a new chapter of my life. Including them in my ceremony would have been a kindness that made everyone feel good.
If you do not want a religious ceremony, but want to include some reference to your religious background, think outside the church-shaped box. For example: you could ask a church leader to bless you; or you could include a religious reading. Ask for help and suggestions from your Celebrant.
5. INCLUDE LOVED ONES
Express gratitude
I read once that central to all meaningful weddings is the expression of GRATITUDE. I agree. Your wedding is the perfect time to thank loved ones for playing their part in getting you to where you are now - marrying the love of your life.
Without a doubt, couples who make their wedding about creating a wonderful experience for their guests as an expression of love and gratitude, experience more satisfaction and feel their wedding was more meaningful.
Honour elderly guests
Think about how you might honour elderly guests. Take Grandma for a dance. Present Grandpa with a special gift during your speech. Plan to have special chat-time and photos taken with them. Time with your older guests is limited and precious - use your wedding as an opportunity to make special memories. For those that have passed, include a memorial table with photos.
Plan for family time
Find a way to include special family moments both in the lead-up to your wedding and on the day itself. Planning a wedding can put a strain on family relations, so make sure you have plenty of family time to say thank you and re-establish bonds. At my own wedding, a silly family misunderstanding meant that on the day I wasn't sure if all of my family would turn up. It was a dreadful feeling. I wish I had taken time to fix things.
Before your wedding, you could gather your family together to share happy memories, a family photo album, a favourite family snack. You could present your parents with gifts at your wedding rehearsal dinner.
On the day of your wedding, you could share a favourite family breakfast. Write a letter of thanks to your parents and give it to them to read whilst having a glass of bubbles before you head off to the ceremony.
Another idea is to arrange for a "first look' moment for family - especially Dad. Even if they are not the emotional type, they would appreciate a private moment to see you all dressed up and ready to go.
And, unlike me, if it means a lot to your parents to walk you down the aisle, please consider it!
Community bonding rituals
A wedding is not just about a couple uniting, but their friends and family coming together as a newly formed community also. As the popular aisle sign says:
"Pick a seat not a side, we're all one family once the knot is tied"
Having a community bonding ritual would enable you to include your loved ones in your wedding ceremony and help everyone feel united through their love and connection to you both.
There are many very beautiful community bonding rituals to choose from. Yes, there's the good old 'Ring warming' ritual, but there are so many more. For example, get your guests to write down what "love" means to them (even the kids) and have them come up during your ceremony to 'post' them in a box. You could open it your first anniversary. Another is to give everyone a flower to add to a vase during your ceremony.
For blended families, including the children in a community bonding ritual has a special significance. For my own second marriage, our kids lit our ceremony candles. Other ideas include: parents making vows to their stepchildren; family sand ceremonies; creating a family jigsaw puzzle (members come up and fit their piece during your ceremony); giving the kids gifts, and so on.
There are so many beautiful ideas out there for you to explore. Make yourselves a cuppa and hit good old Mr Google. You should also ask your Celebrant, they'll have lots of good ideas too.
Special guests
Make sure you plan time during your reception to be with special guests. The day will fly by, leaving you regretting that you didn't even say hello to Uncle Bob who flew in especially to be at your wedding. Make a list of special guests and schedule times to spend with them.
A final note on including others...
Pleasing everyone is impossible. Don't even try. But you can take time to listen to others and place value on caring about their feelings and needs. Wedding are not just about the couple, they are also about family, friends and community. Including loved ones in your big day, in whatever way you can, will make everyone feel good and ensure that you have a much more meaningful wedding.
Once you have thought carefully about the serious 'why' and 'how' questions of your wedding ceremony, you can then turn your attention to the fun question of how to make your wedding "you".
While it's important to recognise tradition, culture and family history, this does not have to be at the expense of celebrating your wonderful, unique, quirky personalities: your experiences, interests, beliefs and desires.
This should shine through all aspects of your wedding - your choice of venue, your wedding style, colour palette, florals, food, decorations, cake, entertainment, and so on.
Having a wedding that truly represents you as a couple is a really important part of having a meaningful and special day. I think this quote from a happy bride summarises perfectly how you should feel when you look back on your big day:
"Our wedding was just a beautiful gathering of all things us"
Are you both nature-loving, outdoors types who believe in the healing power of forests? Then you go for that woodland ceremony. Crazy for 50s retro vintage? Then have that Rock'n'Roll themed reception.
Your wedding is one of the only occasions that you will have all your loved ones in the same place and at the same time celebrating you as a couple. This is your golden opportunity to really express yourselves and establish who you are as a couple.
Your Style
Pinterest is exploding at the seams with wedding 'styles' - Boho, Rustic, Traditional, Elegant, Luxe, etc. Don't get too tangled up with trying to identify what 'style' category you want your wedding to fit into. Instead, use Pinterest to start pinning images you BOTH love. Sort them into Boards (cake, flowers, attire, table, etc.). Then take some time out to clear your heads. When you both come back to your Boards, look for similaritiesin the images. The pattern that emerges is then YOUR style.
You might also find a specific theme that emerges - fairytale, beachside, book lover, enchanted woods, Harry Potter, etc. Your wedding might just be the first glittery glam luxe rustic beach Harry Potter themed wedding ever!
If getting your style nailed is giving you a headache, then hiring a Stylist might save you a lot in painkillers!
Your Colour Palette
As a designer, I could write several Blogs on this subject alone. Instead, I will simply suggest you start by collecting together photos, objects and clothing that mean a lot to you. Are there colours that stand out - the turquiose from the dress you wore on your first date? The blue of the ocean where you went on your first holiday?
This is a great starting point. Once you have a favourite colour that speaks to your heart, then you can then head to Google and Pinterest where you will find endless colour palettes featuring your favourite colour.
Don't forget to pass your colour choices by your bridal party, it's a cruelty to insist your bridesmaids wear a colour that makes them look ill!
Your Venue
Your venue choice says a LOT about who you are as a couple. It's an important part of creating a wedding that is meaningful to you. For your ceremony in particular, chose somewhere that has a lot of significance for you both. A beach, a park, the family farm. One of my animal-loving couples had their wedding at a zoo, right next to a playground featuring giant animal sculptures.
Yes, unusual settings present additional planning challenges but they are worth it. If you want to wed at an unusual setting, consider hiring a planner or on-the-day coordinator to take away the stress of setting up and managing your big day.
Your Food
For many couples, an important way of expressing their personalities is through their choice of food and drink. Thankfully, anything goes for weddings: Fish and Chips, buffets, cocktail tapas, formal plated meals. Take time to think about how you can express yourself through food choices. Do keep in mind your guests. Not everyone will appreciate sitting on a rug and eating pizza with their fingers!
7. ADD A TOUCH OF WHIMSY
As Abby Larson, from Style Me Pretty Weddings, said:
"A wedding is a wedding is a wedding... until it gets at least a small dose of whimsy. A little piece of fun will make your guests happy and will leave a long-lasting impression"
I couldn't agree more! A touch of whimsy doesn't have to be silly or childish, just an element of playfulness or maybe a nostalgic glimpse back at a happy moment from your childhood. It could be fun retro games played during cocktail hour, a reception based on your favourite movie, a funny story in a speech, bags of old-fashioned sweets given as favours, s'mores over a campfire, ice cream cones served for dessert. The important thing is that it's something that reflects the two of you, something that makes you both smile.
8. INCLUDE THOUGHTFUL DETAILS
Details add to the Joy and Significance of Your Day
It seems that nothing is more controversial than the role and importance of details in a wedding. The Anti-Detail lobby argue that guests won't remember the details, only remember the vibe and mood of a wedding. The Pro-Detail lobby argue that it's the details that create the vibe - the memorable guest experience.
I fall into the Pro-Details camp. Not only do the details matter when creating a memorable guest experience, I believe that having those things around you
that mean a lot to you and make
you feel happy can greatly
add to the joy and
significance of
the day.
For one of my clients, we added several butterfly details. Butterflies reminded her of loved ones who had passed and she wanted them to be remembered at the wedding.
Details Reinforce Your Style and Theme
Details also play a large role in reinforcing the style and theme of your wedding. For a style/theme to be recognizable, it needs to be repeated several times in different ways. For example, if you're having a beach-themed wedding, you might consider having a beach scene on your stationery, a driftwood arch for your ceremony and sea shell decorations on the guest tables. Thoughtfully chosen details help you express your wedding design and make it memorable.
Details Reflect Care and Effort
Details are important for another reason – they reflect the care and effort you put into your wedding. This, in turn, reflects on how much you honour and respect the significance of the occasion.
Couples instinctively know this, which is why getting just the right shade of napkin can take on such life-and-death proportions.
Also, if one partner doesn’t take an interest in details, it can leave the other feeling like their fiancé doesn’t care. Scheduling regular 'cuddle on the sofa’ nights to check-in over details could be really useful. Aim to discuss only one detail per cuddle-session to keep things light and fun.
Getting Details Right
The key to details is to stay focused on the reasons behind the effort you are putting in to choosing them. Its not about creating cute ‘Instagrammable’ images, or to have ‘The Wedding of the Year,’ or to outshine your cousin’s ‘do’. They should be chosen and used to add meaning to your wedding and to create lasting memories for you and your guests.
9. FINALLY, ITS ALL ABOUT REMEMBERING WHAT IS IMPORTANT
Final thoughts...
When two separate people with separate life stories unite as a married couple and merge their stories for the rest of their lives, this is a really special, profound, moment. When you are dealing with the minutiae of wedding planning, it is so easy to forget this.
The key is to take time to really think about what is important to you - your 'why' and 'how' for getting married and having a wedding celebration in the first place. Then, whenever you feel like you are getting lost in all that wedding planning decision-making, you will have a path to guide you back home.
There is no right or wrong way to have your wedding. By clarifying what is truly important to you, you will be able to gently set aside 'tradition for tradition's sake' in favour of a wedding that feels personal and authentic, whilst still being grounded in your culture and family background.
Finally, your 'why' and 'how' will help you when you disagree or have to navigate conflicting demands. By remembering what is important, you will be able to prioritise and compromise with more ease.
And that is how you create a meaningful and special wedding xx
If you would like to talk about your ideas for a meaningful wedding or to brainstorm ideas of you to bring your vision for a meaningful wedding to life, please get in touch. I'm Lyndal McKenzie, founder and designer at Little Lace Flower Company. I'd love to chat. Your Initial Consultation with me is complimentary and obligation-free.
Thanks to The Photo NZ, Jo Moore Photographer and Ryan McCauley Photographs for the images I have used in this Blog.
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